My Story

My journey started in November of 2018 when I found a lump on my breast. 

That's scary but.....

I reassured myself that I was healthy and strong, a fitness instructor/personal trainer. I eat right, I exercise, I keep my weight in check, I keep my stress levels down, etc. So I knew it couldn't be cancer. Biopsy, mammogram, sonogram. Done.

I was getting ready to go teach a class, a regular morning, all happy and dressed in my signature pink (ironic now), when the phone rang and it was my doctor asking me to come into the office. Needless to say I didn't make it to class that day.

I quickly learned that cancer does not discriminate, no matter. When you realize your own cells have the capability to turn on you, to actually try to kill you... it's a really tough thing.

Learning how to navigate the medical world was foreign and frightening. Weeks of looking for doctors. First opinions, second opinions, everyone's opinion for that matter, all well meaning Yes, but daunting. I did find the perfect surgeon with a brilliant team. That is the most important part. 

It ended up that I had not only one, but two types of cancer, one of them being extremely aggressive. So I had surgery in February of 2019, followed by 12 weeks of chemotherapy, each infusion lasting about 4 hours. The side effects were horrific. I thought losing my hair would be the worst part, while it was bad, it wasn't even close to being the worst part. 

Then on to the world of radiation. 33 daily rounds of radiation. The burns, oh the burns. During this time I started suffering from lymphedema in the arm that had 9 lymph nodes removed. That became 2 months of daily therapy with a specialist.  

While treatment is a difficult and frightening time, there is also a weird sense of comfort about it. There's a predictable routine of appointments, blood draws, check in, check out. Forming relationships with the nurses and tecs. There's a measurable goal your'e working towards. You have a focus and a plan. You're wrapped in the cocoon of oncologists, surgeons and nurses all constantly tending and assuring that all will be well.  

I remember the day I walked out of my last radiation therapy. That was the end of my daily treatments.  I would have to take chemotherapy every 3 weeks for a year and a hormone suppressant pill for 5 years, but for the most part, I was DONE. So with the best possible outcome I should be jumping for joy, popping the champagne. But instead I was just numb and lost. Like I was thrown out into this new world without a handbook. 

In the perky pink world of breast cancer awareness, survivors are depicted as these smiling, carefree pink sisters. They survived! They're winners! And they are so very happy.  The reality is not quite so sparkly.  Physically, my body was a wreck. Ugly scars, continual bloody noses, bald head, dead fingernails, no eyelashes or eyebrows, chronic fatigue. MENTALLY I was in even worse shape. This is the part no one tells you about, or at least no one told me about.  Some people do bounce back just fine with little issue BUT that wasn't me. I started having anxiety and panic attacks; fits of crying and just plain misery. In the midst of this, I realized how completely unprepared I was for life after cancer.

I started seeing a therapist who specializes in cancer patients and it was great to dialogue and it was extremely helpful. Mediation and non-stimulant environments was my first task. I joined Cancer Support groups. I also met with a psychiatrist for meds to help get me through this transitional time. I am hoping that each day will dim the anxiety. Some days I struggle, some days I don't. I hope in a year or two I can look back with hindsight and breath a sigh of relief. This is the reality of life after breast cancer or any cancer, I'd imagine. Once your body has betrayed you in such a vicious way it's nearly impossible to ever trust it again. 

I would like to end this story with GRATITUDE. First and foremost to my husband who is my Knight in Shining Armor. He took months off of work to care for me. He took me to each and every appointment and treatment. He cooked, cleaned, and tended to me with such love and compassion. There will never be enough words to let him know how much I love him, and how grateful I am to him.

Also, gratitude to my "nurse" Chocolate Lab Stella, who never ever left my side. She was my comfort and my savior. 

Thank you to my family. My two sons Jordan and Spencer, whose support was above and beyond. Who flew here from CA to be with me. To love and help me, to reassure, soothe and strengthen me. I can't thank you guys enough.

To the rest of my wonderful family and friends who showed up NO MATTER. People I hadn't heard from in years. Care packages, cards, flowers, prayers and love. From the top to the bottom of my heart I thank you.

To the support groups that I will always be a part of.....I love you my Pink Sisters. Thank you. I am honored to now be a mentor. 

One last detail, it's perhaps the most striking, impactful and unexpected experience that I had.  I'd like to share it, just in case you ever find yourself in my shoes: 

There will be people, family, best friends, long-time friends who won't show up at all. At all. In group, we share everything, and this seems to be a common thread. So for whatever reason, they don’t show up, I have to believe they have good reason. I will try to understand and I will continually try to understand this strange world of cancer along with its ups and downs. With that being said, I want you to know, that if you are reading this and you are in need of understanding or support, any kind of support, or just someone to talk to, I am here for you. Always. It's now my mission. My contact info is on the Contact page. 

Thank you for taking the time to share in my story.Love, Light and Health to all of you.

~Victoria